Starving myself to be a size 0. Was it an eating disorder?????

People are starting to talk more openly now about eating disorders. I had never thought of having one myself up until recently.

It all started when I was 18 and after giving birth to my son Leo. I didn’t like my post-partum body it was vile and made me feel sick just looking at it. I would go to sleep crying wishing I had never had him because he had ruined my body. I was fat and covered in stretch marks.

I remember size Zero being all over the TV, magazines, newspapers and Myspace and that was where my eating disorder started. I had never needed to go on a diet before, I didn’t even know how to diet. I had tried endless creams for my stretch marks but NOTHING worked.

Soon I realized that the only thing I could control was what I put into my mouth and I was desperate to have my pre baby body back, I had even brought myself some size 0 (uk4) Jeans as my goal.

So I started to eat just one apple a day and a tiny bit of cheese and when I say that was all I ate I am not lieing. The pounds started to drop off and I would give myself daily targets to loose 1 pound a day. My scales had been used and abused.

It wasn’t long until my family started to comment on my dramatic weight loss telling me how ill and gaunt I looked. I just got angrier and angrier and kept thinking about why they couldnt just be happy for me instead or being so negative over something I felt soo good about.

I did read my size goal of being a Size 0 however not even 2 weeks after hitting my target I developed a nasty cough and became really poorly with it to the point it was choking me.

The doctor prescribed antibiotics but they didnt work. Fast forward 5-6 months and I still had this awful cough which was not budging. It turned out it was not responding to the antibiotics because I was so malnourished. I had no choice but to start eating again and it took me absolutley ages to turn it around.

Now I am 31 years old, 3 children later with my partner who I have been with for nearly 7 years.  I am not bothered one tiny little bit about my stretch marks, I actually love them now as they are my warrior stripes from my kids. My weight does bother me at the moment but not to the extent like it used too. I love pigging out on food and sweets I know I shouldn’t indulge on and I do not regret a single doughnut that I have shoved in my face. I am glad I have over indulged because I have blooming well enjoyed all the delicious treats and takeaways.

I cannot get over how repulsed I was by my own body, the body which kept my baby boy safe and healthy whilst he grew inside me. Surely that should of been enough for me to not give a shit about anything else except him and just enjoy him instead of being soo obsessed with how I looked. I feel so ashamed of myself looking back on how I used to be. I do believe it has made me the person I am today.

Even though now I am at a weight I am not comfortable with I still LOVE my body. I am happier than I have ever been and that’s because I have learnt to love myself.

A lot of people have actually said I look much better and healthier with the weight I am at and like I mentioned previously, I am not. So I have re-joined Slimming world and I will shift those pesky pounds. I am currently a 12/14 and my goal is a size 8/10.

I will try my upmost hardest to keep you all updated on my journey, I do post a lot on my Insta stories so if you are not already following me on there then please go and do so for updates. 🙂 Click here for my Instagram