Joanne

Never in a million years did I think hypochondria was a real thing. Well it is and I suffer badly from it. I focus on my body looking for symptoms and when I get a tummy ache or a headache I really fixate on It and convince myself I am dying. I book a doctors appointment to get checked out and get some kind of relief from them which lasts for a few hours until I am in full panic mode again.

I am constantly making sure the kids and David are well, checking their bodies for unexplained bruises as that can be a sign of leukaemia, looking at their complexions and asking if they feel ok, I drive myself round the bend panicking.

My daughter suffers from growing pains and went off her food I panicked and took her to the doctors who tried to reassure me she was ok but I still panicked so for peace of mind he sent her for a blood test, which was normal so panic over and I could relax.

Then I notice I am getting up a lot during the night to have a wee and I panic that I am diabetic because I am drinking a lot and fatigued. you guessed it I went back to the doctors and was sent for a blood test which guess what ? was normal and as soon as I didn’t fixate on that I noticed I wasn’t actually getting up a lot through the night at all.

I avoid adverts on the tele about cancer because it scares me soo much that I have a anxiety attack. I don’t read magazine’s anymore as there are always health stories which I cant handle. I catastrophize everything  to do with mine and my families health.  The girls have had a awful cough for weeks now and even though I took them doctors and he said it was going about, I didn’t believe him and thought cancer!

David has been really poorly all last week and on and off for a few weeks before  and that has drove me crazy and him as I am constantly asking. are you okay?do you need to go doctors? shall I book you a appointment? what symptoms are you getting ? and asking every 30mins to a hour if he is feeling better. I saw a sign that said if you have had a cough for 3 weeks or more to go to the doctors as its a sign of cancer so again I Freak out and think he is dying and how would I cope without him, morbid I know and I hate it.  He said he feel soo much better now which has made me relaxed.

My mumma bear has type 2 diabetes and she worries me a lot, I am constantly asking her when she had her last blood test, when is she going to the doctors next, I must do her head in but she doesn’t say that to me. all she says is that she is getting old now and she’s just getting aches and pains from getting older, which then sets me of into another anxiety attack about her dying.

I cant cope with this, it is ruining my life, I am not living at the moment as I feel like I’m constantly panicking, worrying and stressing myself out. I joined a health anxiety and hypochondriac support group on Facebook as I thought it would help me be around like minded people, all it did was make me ALOT worse. Every time  someone posted a symptom I would think I have the same thing and again start to panic so I left it.

I started my 2nd round of counselling last week, this time it is CBT cognitive behavioural therapy and for the first time in a long time I thought about my health anxiety in a different light and that in my mind I am trapped  in a very vicious circle with toxic thoughts.  I am really excited about my sessions because she is helping me to understand why I feel like I do and showing me how our minds work and I feel like I come away ready to try think about things more positively.

I will beat this horrible illness and I cannot wait for the day to not feel trapped in my mind. I fell emotionally exhausted just writing this.